I have spent the better of two months going back and forth on what I will do with my real estate business come this Fall. I have fees and expenses to be paid for the next six months, regardless of if I am working or not. I have weighed the guilt of sacrificing parts of my motherhood vs sacrificing my business-drive (aka my false identity). I have done the math time and time again on what changes and re-budgeting would need to take place if we choose to lose this income.

Do you see my pattern? It’s me-me-me, I-I-I. As much as deep down my soul trusts in the Lord’s path and provisions, I have this big tendency to need to have solutions to upcoming problems. And unfortunately “surrender it to the Lord” is not a physical solution for me. I try and surrender my plans every time the stress creeps up, and deep down I know I will honour whatever the Lord asks of me; yet I need to have a clear plan before me to truly feel at peace. I don’t have a plan and therefore I don’t have full peace.

I know many will say “why have more kids if you have to lose your business and cause all this stress? Is it worth it? They are expensive, no?”. But having kids is not the issue. They are the blessing. They are what makes the stress and refining my identity has to go through so worth it. I do not have a problem walking away from my business, I have walked away from a big career before. I have a problem letting go of being a financial provider, of having a title outside of motherhood, and frankly I have a problem with the assumptions society makes about our finances if I let go of my business. The problem is my flesh and my false identity.

On a recent Sunday our church was signing Always by Gateway Worship and the lyrics hit my spirit deep. As I stood in worship I was thinking of my business – the home I want to sell before baby’s arrival, the fees due while I am on unpaid maternity leave; the Lord stopped my mind in its tracks with this song and I could not help but shed tears over how good He is. The Lord has been so faithful throughout my life, He has been a provider, He has opened doors I didn’t know could exist for me, and yet here is little old me trying to find another solution to a problem He has already solved.

What solutions are you trying to pull out of thin air? What plans are you taking out of the hands of God and into your own? Us humans have this tendency to think that a lack of confirmed answers or clear vision for the next 20 years of our life means we need to take control away from God. It is a tendency we need to learn to put to death time and time again in order to truly live in the fullness of the Lord’s blessings and purpose for us.

One of our pastors stated during a sermon that “an abundance of material provision is not proof of God’s blessings just like sickness and poverty are not proof of an absence of God’s blessings”. What the flesh and society call blessed is often very different than what the Lord’s blessing is. Perhaps I will write more on this for the next post because the Lord knows many of the moments others looked down on in our lives were absolute blessings for us.

For now I leave you with this – surrendering your stress and worry to the Lord may not look or sound like and active solution to your situation, but it is. It is bigger than that actually; it is an act of faith, it is an act of obedience, and it is the very thing our soul and lives need. Our biggest move in life IS surrendering to the Lord and fully trusting that as we take the steps He directs, He will guide us deeper into His purpose and the blessings He has for us.

Pray with me,

” Lord, you know the weight we choose to carry by not surrendering our fears to you. Our actions are of no surprise to you. Father, I pray that as we choose to stop taking control, that your peace would abound. That our spirit would feel you near. That in our tears and anxiety we would be reminded of your greatness, your goodness, your provisions in our lives, your faithfulness. You provide like no other, you protect like no other; we are not overlooked or forgotten, we are held in the centre of your mighty and loving hands. Father, would your convictions bring us to our knees in surrender, would you continue to pull at the strings we ignore until we learn to look to You. Thank you for the work you are doing in our lives, thank you that we do no walk this narrow path alone, thank you for the power of the cross and the barriers it has already broken for us. To my spirit I say – follow your God, have faith in the unfailing God that He is. Surrender. In the holy name of Jesus I pray, Amen.”