“… I refuse to let the devil use others to try and make us forget of the blessing that our pastors and friendships have been …”

I have been processing so much the last few weeks, and I have been so grateful to God for how He encounters us in our dusty clothes and shows us the way to His call in our lives.

A few months ago we felt the Lord guide us onwards from the church we had attended for the last 7 years. Now many people will assume that leaving a church is a negative thing, but that was not the case for us. I had felt the transition coming for a year, almost to the date. And so it was a time of anticipation for what God had planned next for us.

I had told my husband that I had one goal for the day that the Lord lead us onwards from our current congregation: that we would leave with honouring hearts and not bitterness. I had watched many times as individuals left a church hurt, and I did not want that. The month of May hit and our lives got so busy with me starting a new weekend job and our home going up for sale (we planned to move provinces). We gave our pastors notice that we were stepping away as we entered this big move in our lives. Then June hit and so did severe pregnancy sickness and our Sundays (and everyday) were spent just trying to survive simple tasks at home. So we each took a turn updating our pastors via a text or call each month for four months. I thought we had done well. So imagine my surprise when we started hearing of gossip that had come from other members regarding our leave.

We had met resistance and questioning throughout those months from fellow members and friends. I get it, when you feel you are in the right place, why would anyone feel a need to leave? I have had those very thoughts myself. But my husband and I knew God was calling us onwards. So we kept going back to our goal: leave conversations surrounding this honouring and not bitter. Weeks passed and suddenly our character and spirituality were questioned. Our ability to hear the Lord was questioned. Our intentions of keeping friendships was questioned. And gossip made its rounds. At the same time, text messages we sent went unacknowledged, dinner dates we tried to make were declined. And more gossip made its rounds.

I cried many nights to God, not understanding why if we had been steadfast in our goal to leave with our hearts in the right place, were others now turning it into something it was not – a bitter departure. The flesh is a powerful thing, even in the church. After all, congregations are made up of human beings, and we all have our downfalls. And we are inquisitive – we want to know the why in every situation, we just sometimes fail to go to the right source for answers. So I think this is why I was frustrated but not surprised to hear gossip was occurring. Individuals that didn’t speak with us suddenly spoke on our behalf. Things innocently shared by the few that still spoke with us were twisted to inaccurately paint our thoughts of the church. For what gain? Only they know.

As I sat crying and asking God all my questions one evening, I felt Him remind me of several people I had randomly met that summer that had also left their church to go in a new direction with the Lord. I prayed with women – that the Lord would guard their hearts and correct their thoughts. I truly believe leaving a church should be done because the Lord is calling you elsewhere, not just because you are bothered or upset with someone. I have prayed that pastors and pastor’s wives would be protected from any words that were emotion filled and of the enemy, because they too are human like the rest of us. When I say that the word “honouring” became a goal, I mean it was the goal of every church-related talk I had. And though I am sure my flesh failed to fully project that in every conversation (because at the end of the day I am human), I prayed that my words and character would outshine any phrasing or tone in a conversation that would present otherwise.

So the other night, as I asked God “what could I have done better? because I feel we had good intentions and somehow it has now turned into this gossip-filled event where no one wants to actually come to us for the truth…”, I felt the Lord remind me that exits are messy no matter how planned they are. He reminded me that I was not in the wrong because my actions didn’t measure up to the standard someone else set. That I was not wrong because others had unkind intentions. That I was not wrong because others couldn’t accept the simplicity of the reason behind our choice and chose to label us as dishonest and secretive.

I was reminded that we are all flawed humans, no matter what our status or spiritual walk looks like. And that just because someone attempts to manipulate how you are seen, it did not mean I had to fight to prove them wrong. If we read the Gospel, and even the old testament, this is exactly how Jesus (and other Christians) had to live. Had they stopped to clear their name, or calm an offence, or do things to someone else’s standard, or prove it was God speaking to them, every time they encountered resistance or accusations, the devil would have succeed with his distraction plans in their lives.

So my tears have calmed, my deep pang to people please has quieted, and the hurt has simmered. Because my Jesus is greater. My Jesus knows my heart and intentions. My Jesus knows where He is calling us, and He knew the process this would be. I also choose to continue to be grateful – grateful for how our pastor has shown us for years what it is like to love like Jesus. Grateful for how our pastor’s wife instilled a hunger for knowing the word and being active in intercession in every day life. Grateful for how God used these years and this congregation to show us what our family is hunger for more in our next season. We have a hunger for deeper community, for friendships that pray together, church groups that read the word and hold each other to biblical standards, and for conversations that don’t get shut down when correction is brought up in a discussion. The last 7 years healed our hearts in many areas and freed our spirit in many ways, and I refuse to let the devil use gossip and others to try and make us forget of the blessing that our pastors and friendships have been.

If you are walking through a transition and it has turned messy and awkward, I just want to encourage you to run to Jesus. Bring Him your questions, let Him (and no one else) guide your heart and actions. Before jumping to make a call, or send a text to defend yourself and make the devil’s mess bigger, run to Jesus. Keep your mind on the good things the Lord brought to you in that season, pray for your pastors, even pray for those trying to stand against you. And let Him be the one to hold you heart (and tears) as you allow Him to lead you onwards into where He is calling you.

Be blessed,

Ashley-